Graft: "Something (as a piece of skin or a plant bud) that is joined to something similar so as to grow together."
While many of us will work hard (sometimes too hard) to partake of all the holly jolly offerings and religious reflection this season promises, there are those who do not share our gleeful anticipation. Often those folks are already part of our family tree, but have been a branch ostracized to another part of the forest. Sometimes they are family and friends who have experienced new loss, or are re-experiencing old grief. More and more in a "global" society, our next generation may have planted their seedlings where the opportunities are, taking them too far afield to be temporarily grafted back onto the family tree because of time or money long enough to participate in the festivities. Often we are so busy celebrating our own faith and traditions we lose sight of the rich diversity of belief around us, and sometimes we simply choose not to branch out at all.
Whatever the reason we find ourselves fragmented, it is important to remember that those events that have taken us away from one another are not always in our control, and rather than using guilt or anger to express our disappointment, we need instead to conjure up an extra helping of empathy to avoid further disconnection. Moreover, we need to pledge to be more accepting and less judgmental, and repair the fissures we have allowed or instigated.
There are few things more hurtful than being alienated from your blood family, especially when that alienation is a choice. When a family rejects one of its own because of ideological differences, sexual orientation, or religious differences everyone suffers. This time of year becomes a particularly dark one for the person who finds themselves "orphaned." The orphaned may not be spending the holidays alone,especially if their ousting from the family was inspired by a same sex partner or a partner of a different race or religion, but it doesn't mean they are not suffering. Graft the discarded shoot onto your own tree. Adopt the orphans into the warmth of your family. Give them the gift of worthiness; it means more than you can possibly know.
Grief is especially challenging to navigate this time of year. It may be someone's first holiday since their loved one passed, or their relationship dissolved, and they have no way of predicting how they will react to the seasonal emphasis on family, celebration, and faith. They may feel angry with God, or desire to feel closer to whatever their concept of god might be, they may wish to be left in solitude, or they may welcome nudging to get out despite their protests. Even for those who have been moving through grief for more than one season, these reactions may come through. It is important to reach out to the grieving in specific ways. Rather than just touching base and telling them to call if they need anything, reach out with options. Ask if they'd like to come to a family holiday dinner, go out with you for an alternate meal, have you come over for a bit, or simply go for a walk. It's important that spending the holiday season completely alone is not an option. Grieving folks may be stuck in the spiral of depression. Graft their falling shoot firmly to your tree.
Be mindful of people around you who are unable to go home for the holidays. Don't assume this is due to a lack of desire on their part. Because I'm a professor, I am easily easily alerted to a young person who's not going home for a school break. My kids have several "brothers and sisters" adopted from the rolls of my classes.I can tell you in my years of inviting students out, or to my home,for meals and fellowship I have never had a bad experience, and I think they would say the same. Reach out to young parents, students, old folks, and anyone else you know who can't make it home due to distance and finances. You don't have to invite them to your special family dinner, but why not!? Or host them for a casual get together the night before. Graft them into your ever-growing bounty.
Finally, understand the grafting you do makes your tree more beautiful, heartier. Reach out to folks, alone or not, who don't share your piece of the forest. When we think of this season as being universally celebrated we are resting on the laurels of our privilege. Yes, it is a season in which we also celebrate holidays of other religious traditions, e.g. Hanukkah, but it is overwhelmingly about Christmas. You can be sensitive to those who do not share your faith and still include them in your celebrations. Of course, this means you must do so in a spirit of acceptance, leaving behind attempts to proselytize. Furthermore, welcome invitations to celebrate holiday and faith traditions of others when the opportunities arise.
It is easiest to invite the regulars to your table. I recall reading a brilliant quote about prejudice and racism not too long ago (and I apologize for not remembering where) that took my breath away with its pragmatism. The gist of it was that if you congratulate yourself for not being a bigot but only invite people who look like you into your home, or to your table, you might need to reevaluate. We know that the healthiest food for us, the most nutritious, is a riot of colors and textures. Doesn't it follow that the people sitting at our banquet should share the same beautiful variety? Empathy sprouts and grows when we leave behind the notion that our ways and people are THE ways and people. Escape further into the forest where things get more dense, overgrown, and intertwined. This season choose to mirror the power of the graft we witness in nature and nurture your tree to greater abundance.
