Remember that jungle of cruelty and danger called the playground? It was there that my first experience of paralyzing self-consciousness, and its buddy, shame, took hold of me. I don't recall the bully, but in my mind he's the same one that stars in every kid movie--thick build, crew-cut, striped shirt (always the striped tee...what's that about?). With his meaty fists curled up in balls, he gives me the once over, fixes me with a horrified stare, gasps, and declaims in front of the entire class, "Your epidermis is showing!!"
Now, I was a pretty bright kid, but not informed enough to know what epidermis was. Seeing that he was so horrified I was sure it must be some secret word for something very private, or bad, but whatever this epidermis was I started searching all over myself so I could locate it and put it back where it belonged! This made the entire group explode into hysterical laughter at the frantic loser in front of them checking her zipper because she didn't know what the fancy word for skin was. I was humiliated and felt terrible about myself, my intelligence, my likeability, and my vocabulary.
That was the beginning of a journey that I think all of us are forced into. A trip to a place I call Selfconsciouslandia, and it is a very difficult place to get a ticket home from. Self-consciousness is the enemy of true connection. When we are so concerned with how we're coming off, and so socialized to make sure we're not acting in a way that's detrimental to our coolness, or whatever role we've cast ourselves in, it keeps us from looking at others, and other things, around us. Because it's so crippling to connection, I literally have my acting students answer this question, "What is the number one enemy of the actor?" Self-consciousness! And it's an enemy that's getting more and more difficult to walk away from. Social media provides the ultimate stage for self-consciousness to take root and grow nice and strong. It demands performance. You can even edit yourself to fit the image you want to put out there. You can perform everything. Even our sexual lives are more and more curated to LOOK like porn. We seem less concerned with actual sensual enjoyment, and more connected to the image we're providing.
Self-awareness requires us to stop performing for others. It also provides an avenue to being more aware in general-of other people, of the world around us, of our senses, thoughts, music, nature, all of it. It forces our egos into the back seat and helps us recognize the areas of our lives that are advantaged, which in turn makes us better at accessing and GIVING empathy. Not performing it. Not wanting a curtain call and applause for acting on it....
So, how do you do it? Well, that's a unique journey for each person, but I do know the starting points. Check in with yourself. Don't disregard feeling. Look outside of you. Work on your stuff. Don't worry about looking like a jackass or being judged for the things that make you a NON cookie cutter person. If you're honest with yourself, I bet the people you admire the most are the ones who are not busy acting their asses off. They're likely the ones who don't seem to care if their epidermis is hanging out all over the place. And if they didn't know it was, and some striped-shirt ne'er-do-well tells them it is, they probably chuckle, turn to you, their buddy, and say, "Hey, what say you, me, and my epidermis go grab a sandwich." No paralysis. No shame. Just doing the "you do you" dance off the playground and into the actual, not pretend, world.
